Shir HaShavua - Shemot

This week, we start the book of Exodus.  The first parasha is called "Shemot", which means "names".  Here is a song about this week's parasha.

  Shemot

(to the tune of “I’m just a girl who can’t say No” from “Oklahoma”)

It ain't so much a question of not knowin' they are Jews

They know what's right and wrong since way back when.

I heard a lot of stories --and I reckon they're true--

About how they’re oppressed by Pharaoh’s men.

I know they mustn't fall into the pit,

But following their religion ...

They fergit!

I'm just the Lord who they don’t know,

They’re in a terrible fix.

They’ve got to build those pyramids

And they must make their own bricks.

When a Hebrew cries and asks of Me ,

Why Pharoah’s men are giving him a smack;

And why should he believe in Me

When he’s a slave and nearly breaks his back!

I'm just the Lord who they don’t know,

Eh’yeh asher Eh’yeh *

That’s what I said to Moshe

They don’t realise that I care

They just don’t know.

I'm just the Lord who they don’t know,

There ain’t much more they can fall.

They have no faith that I will show

Why don’t they give me a call?

For I’ll visit them while they’re in shul,

A-praying and a worshipping to me -

Then remind them of that golden rule...

I do exist and I will set them free!

I can't resist a sincere prayer,  or a nice musical chant

If only they could, but they can’t;

Because they’re so ignorant

They just don’t know!

* Exodus Chapter 3, verse 14; often mistranslated as the present tense "I am that I am" instead of the future "I will be what I will be"   

Back from Limmud

I’ve just come home from Limmud conference, which as usual was held over six days at the University of Warwick.  Limmud, for those unfamiliar with it, is a Jewish educational organization, run mainly by amateur volunteers, which is intended to make Jewish learning accessible to all parts of the Jewish community.  Its main event is Limmud Conference in December, and as a family, we have attended most of these conferences over the past eight years. We always come back spiritually and emotionally enriched from the learning and fun we have experienced, and the buzz of meeting up with old friends and making new ones, and physically and mentally knackered after a frenetic week of long hours and little sleep.

 

Music, poetry, politics, culture, cooking, religious study, comedy; most areas of interest are represented in the hundreds of sessions available at Limmud, all presented by volunteer presenters, some of whom are distinguished academics. I got to present some of my “shtick” at a few sessions; the revamped Christmas carols were well –received.  

Here are some photos of the Limmud house band, the Token Vegetation Band, backing kosher gospel singer Joshua Nelson at his concert. My son Nathan is the guitarist.

I composed a number of poems and songs recently.

Here are some Christmas carols with revised words:

(To the tune of Good King Wenceslas)

King Antiochus look out. You'd better be believin'

Maccabees are after you, wanting to get even.

First they'll kill your army boys, 'cos they're bad and cruel.

Then the Menorah will stay lit

Eight days with one day's fu-u-el.

____________________________________________

(To the tune of Jingle Bells)

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way.

The Ark comes to Jerusalem. King David leads the way.

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way.

Oh what fun to be a Jew on such a happy day.

Riding past the crowd, in a great big chariot

The High Priest wears his formal clothes although the weather's hot.

King David leads the dancing though he's not so smartly dressed.

He shows the crowd his tuchas and his wife is not impressed*.

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way.

The Ark comes to Jerusalem. King David lead the way.

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way.

Oh what fun to be a Jew on such a happy day.

____________________________________________________

(to the tune of  “Tidings of comfort and Joy”)

Lord bless those Jerry mental men who think the Euro's sound.

Well stick that up your orifice, we're sticking with the Pound.

You won't bail out the Euro 'cos the money can't be found

No tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy. No tidings of comfort and joy.

 

You want the Euro to endure from now for ever more.

The Euro has big problems which you really can't ignore

And all this is just sour grapes because you lost the war

No tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy. No tidings of comfort and joy.

 

The Euro's drifting everywhere because it's lost its anchor.

We have to sort the problem out. Let's start by shooting bankers

And then the politicians 'cos they're just a bunch of .......idiots

No tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy. No tidings of comfort and joy.

_________________________________________________________________

 

At Limmud, a friend of ours informed us on Saturday lunchtime that the fire alarm in her building went off at 7.40 that morning, causing the building to be evacuated.

This gave rise to the following poem:

The Fire Alarm

It was twenty to eight Shabbat morning

In the building known as Jack Martin

When the fire alarm bell, without warning,

Woke up the Limmudniks therein.

 

They had to assemble outside

Some wearing not much more than gatkes

In case they, by a fire, were fried

And were turned into big Kosher Latkes.

 

Some thought it was a cunning plan

To get everyone out of their room

In time to attend morning service

Whether or not they were frum.

 

What caused the alarm bell to ring

As though by a technical hitch?

Did some Rabbi trigger the thing

With a Shabbat-friendly time switch?

 

I attended some learning sessions about the Talmud  (a large body of Rabbinic gloss on Jewish Law compiled 1500~1800 years ago) . There are a number of esoteric stories in the Talmud, many of which are included for the purpose of the lessons they portray, rather than the truth of the facts in the story.  We studied two stories about Rabbis and prostitutes (presumably the forerunners of the “Bishop and the Actress” jokes).

Here is a poem about one of them. The Talmudic story is found in Menachot, 44a

The Naughty Rabbi

There was a naughty rabbi
Who didn't have a wife.
He went to shtup a prostitute
When a mitzvah saved his life.
He was just about to know her
When he got a sudden shock.
His tzitzit struck him in the face
And made him feel a shmock.
The prostitute converted
And  (this may cause you laughter)
She married him and they lived
Happily ever after. 

  I met Eve Grubin, my Biblical Poetry teacher, at Limmud this year. She once again urged me to try writing poetry in a freer form; i.e not necessarily rhyming or scanning.  This one is for her.

Ode to Eve

I studied Bible poetry. My teacher’s name is Eve.

I ran into her recently. She told me “I believe

Your poetry is good, but you know, it’s not a crime

To write some lines of poetry which do not scan or rhyme.”

I like my lines of poetry to rhyme and to scan

But out of respect for Eve, this one doesn’t.

Recent Compositions

Sarkozy (to the tune of “This Old Man)
Nicolas Sarkozy
Acts tough though he’s five foot three
When he talks to Cameron all he does is moan.
Someone give the Frogs a loan.
____________________________________________________
and prompted by the recent storm which took out electricity for much of Scotland.. 
No Power in Scotland (to the tune of “Flower of Scotland”)
No Power in Scotland
When will we see the lights again.
They packed up and died when
Storms hit wind turbines but then
Whoever thought up
That system is barmy.
It’s bound to soon be on
The blink again.

My law partner Stella has had a tough time recently.  Her husband Jeff is undergoing a long battle against Leukemia, and although, thank God, he’s generally better than he was at the beginning of the year,  he still has setbacks, and he is currently undergoing treatment for graft v host problems. Stella found out, on the same day (a) that Jeff would have to remain in hospital for two weeks to receive a course of antibiotics intravenously and (b ) her 18 year old cat, Nerd, was in poor health and may need to be put to sleep. I did suggest to Stella that things could be worse, especially of Jef and Nerd’s positions were reversed, but that crumb of comfort was not particularly well received…. Nerd received a temporary reprieve as the result of a blood test, and Stella was more cheerful when she spoke with me the following day.
Here is a poem I composed as a result: 

Nerd
Her cat, Nerd, was so sexually active
And running around having fun
That with little regret
She took him to the vet
And said that she wanted him "done".
 
So off came the promiscuous knackers
And the lady at last could rejoice.
To the vet she said "Thanks.
Now my cat's shooting blanks
And he mews in a very high voice."
 
Some years later the cat was quite poorly
Which caused his dear owner to frown.
So back to the vet,
Who said, with regret
"You may have to have him put down."
 
But then Nerd was given a blood test
Which caused vet and owner to smile.
With some dedication
And much medication
It seems that he'll live for a while.
 
Now our heroine had a sick husband
Who was feeling quite fed up and pale
And while he was bored
In the hospital ward
He heard her recount the whole tale.

She showed him the results of Nerd's blood test
Which she left at the side of his bed;
And there it was found
When the surgeon came round,
Which caused him much scratching of head.
 
"Mrs A", he said. "I am quite baffled.
The results of this blood test are strange.
It says on our computer
That your husband's been neutered
And now has a bad case of mange."

Footnote:
Nerd died under surgery a few days later, but Jeff only has to attend hospital as a day patient whilst he has his injections.

Coming soon:  a Blog post about Limmud conference and some poetry I composed there.

Recent stuff

We have just finished an intensive period of Jewish Holy days.

 

One of the festivals was Succot (“Tabernacles”), at the end of which is Shemini Azeret (The eighth day of solemn assembly). On this day, we pray for wind and rain, traditionally because of climactic conditions in the middle east. I am not sure this prayer would have been included in the liturgy if Moses had led the Children of Israel to the UK.

 

Anyway, here is my take on it.

 

Prayer for Rain

Make the rain to fall and the wind to blow

And in deep winter, crisp white snow.

Lord, spread your moisture on the earth.

Give next year’s crops a healthy birth.

Precipitation now despatch

On football, golf and cricket match

And let it rain down cats and dogs -

But not till I’m home from Synagogue.

 

It seems the Greek economic situation is sending all Europe into a tailspin.  Here are the lyrics the Bee Gees might have used if they were writing their songs today:

 

Greece

We’ve got big problems. Things are really tight.

They’ve got a massive debt. They’ve got to put it right.

There’s a big danger it has gone too far

if they believe they can go back to the Drachma

Greece is the word.

 

They think our bail-out plan’s a major pain.

Why don’t they understand?  Their government is to blame.

Their leader’s lyin’, only real is real.

We’ll stop the handouts soon, if they back out of the deal.

Greece is the word.  

 

(Greece is the word, is the word that you’ve heard

It’s got debt. It’s got meaning.

Greece is the time, is the place of commotion.

Greece is the country we’re feeding.)

 

We take the pressure and we throw away good banking policies, and all of Europe must pay.

There is a chance that we can make it so far

if they pay back the debt, but at a high APR. Greece is the word. 

 

(Greece is the word, is the word that you’ve heard

It’s got debt. It’s got meaning.

Greece is the time, is the place of commotion.

Greece is the country we’re feeding.)

 

You’re the one that I want

I got bills, they’re multiplyin’ and I’m losing control

‘Cos the pressure you’re applying, it’s electrifying.

 

Better pay up, cos I need a man

Who can show his word is true

Better cough up, you gotta understand

By the banks we’re getting screwed

Nothing left, no more dosh for me or you

 

You’re the one that I want

You are the one that I want

Ooh Ooh Ooh, Honey.

The one that I want,

You are the one that I want

Give me back my money

TYou’re the one that I want

You are the one that I want

OOh ooh ooh,  your cash I need

Oh yes indeed.

Boys and their toys

We're in the Isle of Wight, as we often are at August Bank Holiday, staying with our friends Ian and Janet Marsh.  Ian runs a company called Fighting 15's, which sells miniature wargames figures. Ian and I have been playing wargames for years. Our favourite period is the Napoleonic Wars, and last night, we played a game using Ian's rules called "Huzzah!", which have been in development on and off for about 10 years.  My French army won, simply because we managed to persuade Ian's Prussians to retreat before we did.

Here are a few photos of some of the miniature figures, showing off Ian's exquisite painting skills.

These are French troops , deployed to defend the village of Schlitz.

French infantry in 1806 uniforms. Ian bases his army on 40mm square bases, 4 figures each in two ranks of figures. You can see the superb quality of his painting. Each group of 4 bases represents one battalion (approximately 600-800 men).

Saxon Chevaulegers (light cavalry), still wearing 18th century -style uniforms in 1806. Ian's cavalry is based on 40mm square bases, two or three figures per base. A cavalry regiment typically has 6-8 bases.

Prussian Dragoons, supported by the Saxons.

Still cruising..

Thursday, 18th August.

 

We docked at Malaga at 0700. Ruth and I were booked on an excursion to see the Alhambra Palace at Granada. Our tour left at 8.05, so we had a very early start. After a two-hour drive into the Sierra Nevada mountains, we arrived at Granada.  Entry to the Alhambra is by timed entry via pre-booked ticket.  The Alhambra was a castle/palace fortress built by the Nasirid sultans of Granada, commencing in 1238. Granada was the last Moorish kingdom to be reconquered by Catholic Spain in 1492, and was the capital of Spain until Philip II moved the capital to Madrid half-way through the following century.

The Alhambra, and the neighbouring Generalife Gardens, are absolutely beautiful. Here are a few photos..

 

This is a reflecting pool leading to the Sultan’s meeting rooms at the far end. It is said to have been the inspiration for the Taj Mahal.

 

  Note the decorative tiles, the carved woodwork on the walls, the Moorish Arches and the gardens beyond.

 

A view of the Alhambra from the Generalife Gardens.

 

 

A courtyard in the Generalife Gardens, the Sultan’s pleasure garden.

 

Back at the ship, we continue to lead in the daily trivia quiz series which lasts until the end of the cruise.

 

Friday, 19th August.  Gibraltar.

The schedule for the day is a tour of the newly-opened (to the public) World War II Tunnels, followed by visiting various members of Ruth’s family who live in Gibraltar.

 

One of the apes on the upper rock took a shine to Ruth. [Ruth is the one in the glasses]

 

 

 

This is a 5.25” naval gun, originally from a British World War II battleship, placed in battery in Gibraltar in about 1950, but never fired.

 

 

Here is one of the apes looking towards our cruise ship.  Royal Caribbean’s tag line is  the nation of “why not”, and I am torn between titling this photo “Why not” and “Maybe next year”.

 

Ruth cousins treated us to dinner in the Kosher restaurant in Gibraltar – it was nice to eat meat again for the first time in nearly a week.

 

 

We’re now back on the ship. A day of rest tomorrow at sea, then we fly home on Sunday morning.

Just cruising

We’re on holiday this week, cruising in the western Mediterranean.

 

We flew from Gatwick at 6am Sunday to Palma, in Majorca.  In the airport at Palma, the following poem came to me.

 

“The Traveller’s Prayer”

We hail you, airport baggage carousel.

We crowd around you and to you we pray.

“Deliver all our luggage safe and well,

And pref-erably some time soon, today.”

 

 

We had a tour of Palma before being taken to our ship The Grandeur of the Seas.

 

 

 

Bellver Castle is very impressive. It is a circular castle, built by the Knights Templar in the early 14th Century, overlooking Palma.

 

 

 

It was originally built with one surrounding moat, then a second moat was added later to protect it from these new-fangled cannon things.

 

Here is a picture of the Cathedral of Palma. It has beautiful stained-glass windows which survived a major earthquake intact. It took about 300 years to build, and by the time they’d finished, the original Gothic style was now out of fashion so it was given a Baroque fascade.

 

 

On board ship, we were shown to our cabin, and then had to attend lifeboat muster drill.

 

Here is a poem I composed about that.

Lifeboat Drill

“It’s lifeboat drill, but no-one is flustered.

All hands are on deck, ‘cos we’re keen to be mustered.”

 

We arrived in Barcelona on Monday morning. It was Feast of the Assumption, so all the museums were closed, (boo!) , likewise most of the shops (hurray!).

We took a bus tour round the city, which took s past the Olympic Park from 1992, the Nou Camp stadium, the beaches, the Segrada de Familia Church designed by Gaudi but still unfinished when he died several decades ago [What is it about Spanish builders and Churches? It makes British road-building programmes look positively dynamic.], and we ended the trip by strolling down the famous pedestrian market La Rambla,

 

The Olympic Flame thingy.

 

A view from near the harbour.

 

 

Torre AGBAR – Barcelona’s version of the Gherkin building. I’m not sure whether it’s pickled.

 

 

The front of la Segrada de la Familia

 

 

 

 

A street performer in La Rambla.

(This is what happens if you don’t use sun-screen).

 

Today (Tuesday), Ruth had a reflexology treatment, so both my wife and my son have an “ology”.   The ship docked in Ibiza and we walked around the old town for a while  and did some shopping .

Here are a few photos

 

 

 

 

Tonight, there was a  party in the Windjammer cafe on the ship, where there was a late-night buffet, and various ice sculptures and food sculptures were on display.   I explained to Ruth that when the Captain announces “Take in the main course”,  he means “pull down one of the sails”, not “have another dinner”. 

Here are a few of them..

A parrot made from a pineapple…

 

What breed of dog? Clearly it’s a caulie..

 

 

Tomorrow, we’re at sea all day.