Sorted!

I didn't know she was dislexic
When I criticized her filing.
I apologised.
We hugged.
Now everything's k.o.


Limmud Food
When I come to Limmud
The Sessions are good,
But why is there such
A long wait for the food?
This delay in my fressin'
Can cause me much stressin',
More so when it makes me
Late for my next session.
This logistical problem
Will beat every planner
Until they can make the food
Come down like Manna.

Shabbat
Oy Vay! It will soon be Shabbat.
Prepare the candles; set the table; get ready for shul  - no time to rest.

Limmud Haikus
1.   Midrash and Movies
      Rafi and Nathan in dinner
      Suits, licenced to thrill.

2.   Conference 2012
      Everyone has a pink bag.
      Are all Limmudniks gay?

3.   Wood, strings, metal. Dead
      Until tied with chords and skill.
      Then a harmony.

The Royal Foetus

Here is a modular poem.  below, I have appended various options for the third and fourth lines, which you can select according to taste (or lack thereof)

The Royal pair have feasted on sprout.
It's had an effect, without doubt.
[See below
                                                  ]
Because she's got one up the spout.*

* this line might need slight tweaking depending on which of the following  missing lines you opt for.

Options for third and fourth lines
A: The result of their f***ing
     Is that Kate is up-chucking

B: This royal fornication
     has delighted the nation

C: Because those sprouts from Brussels
     Sustained William's muscles

D: Pippa's next book, in future
      Is the royal Karma Sutra

E: Because the Royal Willy
     Has covered the filly

Shir Hashavua - Vayishlach

This week's parasha recites a number of traumatic events in Jacob's life, including the kidnapping and rape of his daughter Dinah.  Here's my take on it.

Weapons of Violence
Hamor, prince of Shechem did rape Dinah,
Although she cried for help and no-one heard.
He took no note of her sad demeanour
And thought she's marry him, which was absurd.
When Jacob heard of this, he was surprised
And said he would not consent to the match
Until the Shechemites were circumcised
Which they agreed to do with much dispatch.
So every man of Shechem trimmed his chopper.
Then, while in pain from penile servitude
Through two of Jacob's sons they came a cropper
As punishment for Hamor's turpitude;
And thus did Dinah manage to escape
The day Levi and Simeon went ape.
 

Another historical poem

My wargaming horizons at present are largely taken up with 17th century warfare, since my wargames club is running an English Civil War tournament. This year is the 380th anniversary of the
battle of Lutzen in November 1632 where Swedish King Gustavus Adolphus was killed.

Here is a poem that came to me today (based on these historical events).

Un-veg-etable

Gustavus Adolphus was king of the Swedes;

The root cause of many a fight.

He beat his opponents with consummate ease

As they said let us now take to flight.

Our Gus was a difficult man to appease

And the Baltic he viewed as his lake,

But his big ship the Vasa, made from many trees

Leaked and sank, which he found hard to take.

In the Thirty Years' War, led his troops overseas

Where they took on their Catholic foes

Till, peppered by shot, he was brought to his knees

And at Lutzen did turn up his toes.

He was dicing with death every time that he fought

And was bound to one day come to harm

And the sixth of November’s the day that we ought

To recall. That’s when he bought the farm.

 

Oh what a lovely war

Here is a poem prompted by remembrance weekend.

"Oh what a lovely war"

Last night a war took place where no-one died.
It took place in a pub in Camden Town.
With several hundred soldiers on each side
Who represented armies of renown.
Commanding generals, well-supplied with beer
Deployed their armies on the battlefield
Where not one soldier manifested fear
Or ran way, or tried to hide or yield.
For nearly three full hours the armies battled
And by that time the fighting was all done.
'Twas sound of dice, not musketry, which rattled
The generals shook hands and agreed who'd won,
Then left without a shred of shame or guilt
For in a wargame, no-one's blood is spilt.

Here's a poem for next week's parasha - Va'era - the story of Abraham and Sara.

"Inheritance"

Sara was horrible to Hagar
And vexed her with turmoil and toil.
Whilst Sarah's descendants got Torah,
Hagar's now have all the oil.

"The Last Word"

Andrew Mitchell was rude to that Copper
Although he didn't have Turettes,
And now, at last, he's come a cropper
Despite expressing his regrets.

To call him a pleb was just absurd
And showed his poor control of wrath.
But the boys in blue had the last word
For Mitchell is a cyclopath.